• Kristina Mulligan

One of "Those" Days

Sometimes, I just have one of those days. We all have them from time to time. You know the kind.

For each of us, those days look a bit different, but their occurrences often look the same. Those days really know how to kick us when we’re already down. It’s like they can sense our vulnerability.

I’m currently experiencing one of those days, though it’s spanned for a much greater length of time. Maybe it’s more appropriate to say it’s just one of those times, but “days” feels more finite – and I know this will pass, too.

It’s one of those days where I would give anything to just let my child have fun without worry, instead of finding strategic opportunities to introduce more therapy-based play.

It’s one of those days where I don’t what to say, “Let’s use both hands!” or “Relax your fingers!” or “Legs in front!” on a loop, and when I wish so badly that I could just take all his struggles away. It’s mornings like today that I wake up burdened with the guilt that I somehow caused this, that if I could have just carried him to term…

It’s one of those days that I wish a friend would stop by just to chat, because I could really use some time “away.” I don’t even know what I’d talk about, really, as so much of me is invested in this little human. Do I even have anything to contribute to a conversation that someone would consider meaningful? But I could really use a friend.

It’s one of those days where I don’t want to have a packed schedule anymore; where I’m planning our week ahead and I’m so mad that there are 12 hours of “extras” packed into our week, plus all of the time outside of those appointments that we have to focus on adapting and growing skills, too.

It’s one of those days that I’m so angry that we can’t live a “typical” life with bits of relaxation and carefree days that some other families get to experience. And then I get mad at myself for wishing anything different than what we have.

It’s one of those days that I don’t feel like I’m doing enough, where I really beat myself up for not doing “it all.”

It’s one of those days, especially as we sit in the middle of a pandemic, that I feel the overwhelming need to get out of my house. It can feel like the walls are closing in, when you see the same walls day in and day out.

It’s one of those days where having to work productively at anything other than being a mother feels like too much. Every request feels like a boulder on my shoulders, any additional decision I have to consider is just one more thing to do, and instead of having a “full plate,” I’m spinning more plates than I have hands. I know that one is bound to come crashing to the ground, but I hope I can put all the pieces back together when it breaks.

It’s one of those days that I want to scream at other parents and make them see how beautiful their lives are. Being a parent can be a struggle at times, but while there are difficult days, there is so much they should be grateful for and so many opportunities to appreciate.

It’s one of those days where I kick myself because I have so much to be thankful for, too. And I know this in my heart. It’s simply hard to live in gratitude when the weight feels so heavy.

It’s unavoidable, I think, to have a day (or time) like this. I’ll be okay, and so will you.

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